Priceless
by Cormag Ravenstaff
Summary: Robin says the wrong thing to Anna, and everything just goes downhill from there. Oneshot.


Disclaimer: I don't own FE

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 **Priceless**

Of all the things he could have said, of all the thousands of fucking words in the damn dictionary, he'd called her priceless.

Damn.

Robin should not have called Anna priceless. It was a mistake that morphed into a wyvern flying through the air, except it got its wings clipped and now it was falling towards the ground.

The tactician didn't even get off to a good start, he got prompted with the awkward conversation right away in the morning. So that was her fault, at least.

It started a little something like this…

"I had an odd dream last night," Anna said as soon as Robin blinked open his eyes. She lay on her pillow, legs crossed and a finger on her chin. Same as usual, everything normal.

"About what?" mumbled Robin.

"It was odd. I was having a contest with my sisters. We were trying to see who could raise the most money in a day. One of them tried prostitution. But enough of that, what _really_ got me thinking was how much could I potentially make if I turned to selling my body."

His wife had the strangest thoughts when it came to money. It was one of the things Robin loved about her, and knew how to divert when they sprung up.

But it was the morning, and Robin had been up late last night. So, instead of thinking of a funny way to diffuse the situation, he tried being romantic. He smirked as much as his pillow allowed him, "Anna, you're priceless."

The words were out of his mouth before he realized he'd said them. His eyes snapped open, registering the mistake that was a now crashing wyvern in his mind. He nearly reached out his hand as if to grab the words back out of the air and stuff them back in his mouth.

"…Priceless?" Anna simply said, leaning forward towards Robin's face. When she was a mere inch away, their noses almost touching, she whispered, "I smell a challenge."

"No no no no no—" Robin began, but with no avail. Anna was up and dressed in three seconds. Literally, his wife had somehow managed to slip that red dress thing she always wore on in logic defying manner. Had Robin not been half asleep still, he might've been able to discern the secret.

But that was not the problem at hand.

"Anna, you don't—" he continued, sitting up in bed. Then she was gone, shouting back, "I'll see you tonight with a report!"

"Fuck!" growled the white haired tactician as he leapt out of bed and began to give chase. He made it as far as the opening to his tent when he saw the soldier walking outside give him a look of disbelief.

Robin looked down.

"Right, pants."

* * *

Robin hunted high and low for his wife, in an attempt to stop the idiotic plan she had. Where had her common sense gone? Had she dropped it this morning and stepped on it, crushing it to pieces?

Apparently, it seemed so.

After speaking with a flustered Chrom (Who'd been cornered by Anna, who asked him how much he'd pay to sleep with her), Robin finally found his wife badgering Stahl. The cavalier looked about to run in terror at the fact that a woman from the family of the best saleswomen in the world was trying to get him to buy her for a night.

"Stahl, go eat something," Robin ordered, trying to get the rather innocent man out of there. He nodded, wobbling away on weak legs.

Oh well, he wasn't that innocent anymore.

"Anna," Robin started, taking a deep breath while resting a hand on your shoulder, "as your husband, friend and partner in battle, what the _fuck_ are you doing?"

"Nothing is priceless," Anna declared with absolute certainty. "As an Anna, I can sell anything. If it exists, so does a price. You said I was priceless, so that got me thinking that I had to have a price too. Naturally, I was curious about what it was."

"That's a horrible thing to be curious about!"

"You mean you're not?"

"No! I don't give a damn what anyone would pay to sleep with me," he said, exasperated.

"You're no fun," Anna pouted, as if the matter were trivial."

"Anna, have you no common sense? Someone might've actually taken you up on that offer."

"Well, at least I would have known they were serious about that price they offered me."

"…What the hell, Anna?"

"Hey, _you_ married me."

"That isn't what this is about!"

"We could change the topic."

"But we're not going to."

"That's no fun."

"Back to what we were talking about…"

"Right. How much would you pay to sleep with me? I know I can trust your answer. After all, you _really_ get into it every night. Going without it would be hard for you."

"Anna, we're married. We're supposed to sleep with each other for free, because we're in love."

"…Starting now, I'm charging you every night to share my bed."

Robin proceeded to curl up into the fetal position and cry, for his head could take no more. Anna laughed and sat down next to him, wrapping an arm around his shoulder.

"April Fools!"

"Anna, it isn't April."

"Somewhere in an Outrealm it is."

"Can we just go back to our tent and go back to sleep? Maybe cuddle?"

"It's fifty gold to cuddle."

"Anna!"

"Fine, I'll give you a freebie just this once, since you're such a _loyal_ customer."

"…That was really bad."

"I know. So let's go back and maybe I can entice you into wanting to buy some more."

"Anna!"

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 **Author Notes:**

…

…

… **Sometimes I wonder what goes through my mind. If you don't mind, I'm going to go look in a mirror and judge myself.**


End file.
